Blog #7 - Autistic or Narcissist?

 Summary: Learning how to communicate using the Platinum Rule vs. the Golden Rule

 

It’s not every day that a person gets the great gift of an unfiltered view of how they are experienced by others. The Restorative Justice (RJ) Report and my parallel Accountability Process started with a thoughtless comment I made on Facebook in late January 2023. As the comments rolled in and the RJ report rolled out several months later, I silently witnessed others directly share their opinions about whether I am neurodiverse or a narcissist (some used the word “asshole”.)

 

In May 2023 when Charity (my nesting partner and a psychotherapist) and I first viewed the report, I was surprised to see that the majority of complaints were about harms which had nothing to do with sensual/sexual exchange.  They were about how I think, communicate, relate, and attune to others, and how that plays out in a wide range of interpersonal interactions.

 

It was a unique experience to watch people debate about what my diagnosis was and whether it was an “excuse” for my behavior (it isn’t), and whether or not I had the capacity to change (I believe I do).  I do not in any way believe being autistic is an excuse, and as a result I’ve decided to work towards adopting a new style of communication because I want to minimize future harm.

 

This was not an entirely new experience for me. People have had strong responses to me throughout my life ranging from extremely positive to mostly negative.  Until this process I was often baffled why many people seemed to deeply connect with and appreciate me, while others responded to me with anger, confusion, hurt, outrage, and/or disbelief.

 

Because I’ve experienced this from childhood, I adapted by learning  to ignore and dismiss the negative responses because a) I mostly didn’t understand them, and b) there have always been more people who loved, supported, and appreciated me. As is true with many strategies adopted in childhood to cope with a confusing world, those strategies I now realize have caused harm and it is my responsibility to change them.

 

Charity had been saying since early in our relationship that I had many of the characteristics of people with autism. I dismissed that, as well, as I suffered from the common prejudice that autism is somehow “less than”. We had a few conflicts about it, particularly when I was blunt, rigid, or said something she found offensive until she figured out that I was oblivious to the offense my remarks had caused. 

There were many, many times before this process began that she sat me down and said something along the lines of, “You can’t say that.” I almost always responded, “Why not?”, not intending to be difficult but from genuine perplexity. Her responses to me were anywhere from, “It’s just part of the widely-understood social contract”, to patiently explaining the details and nuances of how neurotypical people might receive/interpret my words.

 

I saw Dr. Cynthia Arnold, an autism specialist, in March 2023, and she confirmed that I was “on the spectrum.” This resulted in me becoming deeply curious about autism for the first time at age 71. I learned that many people who were high functioning on the autism spectrum shared my experience of thinking that I was saying/doing the right or reasonable thing and then observing the person or people I was interacting with react with upset, anger, hurt, or confusion, and I often had no idea why. I learned that asking them why they felt angry, etc. often resulted in the other person getting angrier with me because they felt “I should know.” Finding out that I was on the spectrum answered many questions that had puzzled me throughout my life.

 

During my accountability process there has been an ongoing dialogue/debate among Charity, Miles Hurwitz (my accountability coach), and me about how much my social behavior and communication can change. Fundamental questions arose - How much should I change?  Should I try to mask and pretend I understand things that I simply don’t?  How much should I pre-warn people about my neurodiversity and my resulting communication style?

Charity has told me that this debate has long existed in the professional world. Some providers firmly believe that people with autism should be trained to “pass” as neurotypical, some believe it's unethical to suggest this because it causes harm, while others fall in the middle. I recently learned that the newest research calls this the “Double Empathy Problem,” meaning that people with autism and neurotypicals have substantially different communication preferences and habits and this makes empathy with communication breakdowns a challenge for everyone.

 

Regardless of these debates, my communication patterns have caused harm, and I alone am responsible to avoid causing harm whenever I can. I’m trying to absorb the mystifying language and nuances of social skills, emotional intelligence, and social attunement. Miles taught me what I have come to call “Miles-speak,” which often means adding way more words than I would previously have considered necessary. It includes communicating uncertainty, being tentative, stating out loud that, “I might be wrong”, acknowledging being on the spectrum, etc.

 

For my whole life, I’ve spoken with great confidence that I'm right.  At the same time, I have no problem changing my mind if I’m given contrary facts or other data.  A beta reader who reviewed my first blog before it went public gave Miles the feedback, “That doesn’t sound like Cliff.” My first response was, “Of course it doesn’t sound like me because I would never have previously said it that way.  Didn’t people ask me to work on my communication as part of my accountability process? Sounding different is the inevitable result, isn’t it?”

 

Probably the most important takeaway from the combination of my sessions with Dr. Arnold, taking an Emotional Intelligence Course (https://autismexplained.kartra.com/page/EQ101#_ttk1xoynm), and Miles’ coaching is that I need to give people a warning about my struggles with this. “I might say the wrong thing from time to time because I’m on the spectrum. Please let me know if I unintentionally offend you.” We’ve laughed at jokes about me needing a t-shirt that says something akin to “student driver” but related to nuanced communication and social skills.

 

But what about narcissism? Where do narcissistic traits come into this? Many statements in the RJ report included the words “narcissist” or “asshole”, which seem to be roughly synonymous.  One of my former longer-term partners shared with me that she thought I was “narcissistically organized” (NO) which is different from having “narcissistic personality disorder” (NPD) - which is the clinical disorder a true narcissist has. 

After reading up on the distinction between the two (NO vs NPD), I readily admit that I have often felt that I know how to do quite a few things better than many people and have had a vastly wider range of life experiences than most. I can now see how that can come across as arrogant, superior, and yes…narcissistic or self-centered. On the other hand, I greatly appreciate it when someone knows a better way of doing something and teaches me, and this is not true for people who are actual narcissists.  

When I tell stories about myself, fmpov I’m simply relating facts or experiences that I feel are relevant to whatever the current teaching situation or conversational topic is. I’ve come to realize that talking about my experiences is seen by some as bragging or being boastful.  When I asked my polycule for honest feedback after they read the RJ report, my closest partners confirmed, “You do sometimes come across as arrogant.” An excellent video on this topic titled “I’m Autistic – Not Arrogant” can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0uBu-OklNg

 

As I contemplated the diagnostic criteria for narcissism, one part that doesn’t fit at all for me is a narcissist’s complete lack of empathy (Trump is a perfect example). While I recognize others may not see what happens inside me, I feel great compassion for the suffering of other humans, our planet, and all beings. I realize that at times I’m unskilled at communicating this, and have often failed to recognize the ways my interpersonal behaviors and communication have caused suffering. I’ve worked my entire life to reduce suffering and expand awareness for as many people as possible, and so am committed to reducing the possibility of causing further suffering by my insensitive words to whatever extent I can.

 

What have I learned through this process? I have learned that the Golden Rule fails me here. When I communicate with others how I wish others would communicate with me, I am direct, literal, and use as few words as possible. I don’t like tentative or veiled communication because I take words literally. I don’t understand most hints or subtext. This is why I feel very uncomfortable engaging in social chit-chat as it seems to me that a high percentage of it is people talking about things they don’t really care about or gossiping about people or topics that will make it appear as though they’re in full alignment with whatever the current issue-du-jour is, whether or not they really are.

 

One very clear example of my literalness happened fairly early on in my relationship with Charity.  She sent me a text stating her desire to have a weekend date and overnight with a new lover and expressed concern that I might be uncomfortable with her doing so.  I responded with a simple “OK” which she interpreted to mean that I actually wasn’t OK with her desire and that I would resent her if she followed through on it.  When she raised her concern, I was surprised, because if I say “OK” to something, that means I’m OK with it.  No subterfuge, no implied “if you do this, I’ll be hurt and pissed” - just literal.

I have also learned that because most neurotypical people do hint and use subtext, they assume there are hidden messages in whatever I say, as in the example above. Even after almost a year of intensive work with Miles, we recently had an interaction where I responded (briefly) to a long message from him suggesting that I reword a phrase by saying that I would rewrite it in “Miles-speak.” Miles assumed this was a subtle jab meaning that I thought his communication style was insincere, wordy, etc. When he brought up this concern, I responded, “No. When I say ‘Miles-speak’, I simply mean ‘the way Miles speaks’ and thus ‘the way Miles is teaching me to speak. If I meant ‘insincere’ I would have said ‘insincere’.”

 

Charity found a video that summarizes many of my experiences quite well - https://www.facebook.com/reel/229911719952639 . This video is an excellent example of how a significant percentage of younger autistic people are deciding that masking isn’t something they’re willing to do.  I want to be clear that I understand that if I’m going to be an effective teacher, I have an obligation to mask and to warn listeners that I may use words they find offensive without intending to offend.

 

I realize that part of my process is to learn to communicate using the “Platinum Rule.” This means treating others the way they want to be treated as opposed to the “Golden Rule,” which means treating people how I want to be treated.  My ongoing concern is that I will have difficulty knowing how to do this due to my poor mentalization skills (understanding the subjective states and mental processes of others). I’m sure I’ll frequently not accurately predict how others want to be treated, nor will it always be easy for me to understand when what I am saying is landing poorly.  The intensity of the hurts expressed in the RJ report has made it clear that my blunt, declarative, and literal ways of communicating have harmed others. That negative impact is vastly more important than my desire to be clear and direct in my communication. 

 

I imagine that my new attempts at sensitivity, and attuned communication will be better in some ways, although I’m sure they won’t be perfect. I have fears that because this new style is so different, it may come across as inauthentic to some. I’m also aware that the reason at least some people have had positive responses to me is because of my non-normative psychology and my different ways of perceiving and interacting with the world.  Only time will tell.