Blog #5 - What's Happened So Far

 What’s Happened So Far

NOTE: I received some feedback regarding this post that feels useful, and would like to clarity that Reid Mihalko is not a party of my accountability process. He is not. I consulted with him via phone for about an hour in early February 2023 about the process he went through back in 2018, and that is the extent of our relationship, however I'm grateful for the insights and encouragement he imparted during that time.



In previous blogs, I have acknowledged that I have harmed people, including the survivors/persons that made statements on Facebook in January/February 2023 and in the Restorative Justice (RJ) process that followed, culminating in an RJ Report that followed in August 2023.

 

My harms have included misuse of my power and privilege by:

 

  • Engaging in what I previously believed to be fully consensual sexual exchanges with community members and students (many of whom I have discovered through training and accountability could not fully consent due to the power differential inherent 

  • In my role as teacher/coach/daka).

  • Participating in events I was leading or co-leading (which I now realize no facilitator should ever do – blog on the details of this topic to come).

  • Insensitivity in written and verbal communications.

  • Not listening or responding consistently or effectively to feedback.


In addition, I recognize that I’ve harmed people by lack of attunement due to my personality and psychology.

 

As a leader, I failed to provide sufficient stability and consistency in the structure of the Empowered Pleasure (EP) organization, and that resulted in a community where some participants did not feel safe expressing their concerns/complaints. I also didn’t recognize the unspoken social contracts a leader of sex positive events enters into with participants and will be including more blogs about these details. For further details, please see Blog Posts 1-4 at https://cliffnotes108.blogspot.com/ .

 

The Process

I began a Restorative Justice/Accountability Process in February of 2023 with the idea first introduced by Melanie Moseley. The process has included work with Miles Hurwitz, my Accountability Coach, a Restorative Justice survey initiated and sent out by Jessica Morgenthaler and Leah Carey (a survivor of harm caused by me), education on trauma and boundaries for tantra professionals, education and coaching for neurodiversity and communication harms, shadow work, review of the RJ report, and development of plans to meet needs/requests of survivors, formation of an Accountability Team, and communication to community about what I have learned and my commitments going forward. Here is a list of evolving intentions/goals of the Accountability Process:

 

  • Acceptance of the harms I have done and the reality of the need to engage in an RJ/Accountability process based on my actions.

  • Pausing all sex positive event participation and event leadership for the duration of the accountability process.

  • I intend to  demonstrate capacity to safely return to participation as either a community member or leader before doing so.

  • Offering possible avenues for healing for as many of those I have harmed who desire me to be a participant in their healing, whether directly or indirectly.

  • Make amends to anyone who would not be further harmed by my doing so.

    • Any who wish to share additional harms not reviewed in the Accountability Process or wishing for an apology from Cliff may reach out to my coach, Miles Hurwitz, at mhmanage@gmail.com.

  • Offering apologies and reparations to as many members of the broader sex-positive community as possible who have not been personally harmed by me but have been harmed by the division in the community and any ripple effects caused by my harms.

  • Increase my capacity to receive and internalize honest and unfiltered feedback from others, especially in areas that are still outside of my awareness, without going into defensiveness, dismissal, or avoidance. 

  • Increase my awareness that even if I did not intend to do harm, the impact is real for the person harmed and that impact must be acknowledged fully.

  • In-depth trauma education and training to both better understand the harms I have done and to increase my awareness and compassion moving forward.

  • Coaching in my communication patterns including both written and spoken communication.

  • Development of a professional code of ethics for a sex positive leader modeled after those adopted by Andrew Barnes, Reid Mihalko, and others along with supervision to ensure consistent implementation.

The Timeline

This timeline of my accountability process documents the steps taken as of January 21, 2024. This, of necessity, is a summarized list.


February – August 2023 (prior to the release of the RJ report)

 

  • Immediately discontinued all event hosting for EP or other organizations at request of survivors

  • Trauma for Tantra Professionals (70-hour training including education, group sharing, and private coaching from main instructor whom I informed of my accountability process). (next course https://www.livetantrapro.com/).

  • RJ Survey form released by Jessica Morgenthaler.

  • Posted 2 videos from me and Charity, my partner in life as well as in EP, on the EP FB page addressing the issues.

  • Meetings with Cynthia Arnold, PhD, Autism Specialist.

  • One 60-minute consultation with Reid Mihalko regarding accountability process.

  • Initial requests for potential accountability team members, minimizing dual relationships.

  • ZEGG Forum 3/8/2023.

  • Miles Hurwitz hired as Accountability Coach 3/14/2023.

  • 39 Meetings with my coach, average of 1.5 hours per meeting, including role playing, discussion of harms, exploration of power/privilege, communication coaching, journaling and reading assignments.

  • Spent roughly 240 hours in discussion with Charity about the impact our new knowledge and insights will have on our lives and on any event and organizational structures.

  • At the advice of my coach, reduced social media presence and attendance of any community social events that include possible crossover with survivors or persons harmed to avoid/prevent further harm.

  • Offered EP FB page and EP Meetup Calendar to a group wanting to keep the community together as much as possible, ultimately giving rise to Intentional Encounters

  • May 2023, RJ report results shared with Cliff and Charity.

  • Address, review, and reflect on harms expressed in the report including drafting apology notes to be delivered when deemed ready by my coach.

  • Continued requests sent for Accountability Team members (6 requests issued overall).

  • Cliff Blog#1 posted on August 30 - https://cliffnotes108.blogspot.com/

 

September – December 2023 (post the RJ report)

 

  • 25 Meetings with my coach, average of 2 hours per meeting, including role playing, discussion of harms, exploration of power/privilege, communication coaching, journaling and reading assignments.

  • Spent roughly 120 hours in discussion with Charity about the impact our new knowledge and insights will have on our lives and on any event and organizational structures.

  • Continued requests sent for Accountability Team members (9 requests issued overall, results pending acceptance of positions).

  • Began drafting further blogs on a wide variety of topics.

  • Cliff Blog #2 posted November 21 - https://cliffnotes108.blogspot.com/

  • 2 Meetings with Emma Daley and Fuzzy Shostak, experienced accountability process coaches and communication facilitators  (Consent Beyond Yes!)

  • Read multiple articles and watched multiple videos on autism and intelligence -  click here for a particularly good example

  • Enrolled in this excellent workshop on Emotional Intelligence and Autism

 

January 1-21, 2024

 

  • Cliff Blog #3 released Jan 2 - https://cliffnotes108.blogspot.com/

  • 4 Meetings with Miles, average of 2 hours per meeting, including role playing, discussion of harms, exploration of power/privilege, communication coaching, journaling and reading assignments.

  • Cliff Blog #4 released Jan 8 - https://cliffnotes108.blogspot.com/

  • Spent roughly 20 hours in discussion with Charity about the impact our new knowledge and insights will have on our lives and on any event and organizational structures.

  • Finished with 75% of the workshop on Emotional Intelligence and Autism

  • Cliff Blog #5 release Jan 21 - https://cliffnotes108.blogspot.com/

  • Blog on Consent written and ready for posting shortly


Many prior members of EP have asked us about our plans going forward. We have intentionally chosen to delay conversations about future plans for community reintegration or future event facilitation until we have essentially completed this process. We plan to take all steps forward with caution and consideration of the possible impact of reintegration on people harmed, as well as the impact of our continued disengagement with Portland sex positive communities.


Your comments and feedback are welcome, either on the EP Facebook page or on https://cliffnotes108.blogspot.com/ .


Modeled after Misha Bonaventura of Clearing Conversations & Bonobo Network

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