Blog #4 - Further Reflections on My Accountability Process

From my early adulthood up until the initiation of this process, I have rarely needed to pay close attention to anyone telling me what to do. My privilege, my general good fortune, and my intense drive to become as skilled as possible in whatever I’m focused on have all combined so that I’ve been at or near the top of whatever community, group, or business I’ve ever been a part of.  

My early life experiences and neurodiversity have made me tend to be a loner, making decisions for myself based on what makes the most sense to me given what I understand at that time. My autism (finally diagnosed at age 71) has contributed to a significant degree of what Charity in her role as psychotherapist calls “hierarchy blindness”. I don’t recall ever being afraid to question or even confront people who had authority over me, even my own meditation guru, and until recently I didn’t recognize that in social environments others often deferred to me because of an actual or perceived power differential. Here is one of many interesting blogs about the concept: https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/we-have-no-intuitive-concept-of-social-hierarchy/

 

When I began to work with Miles as my coach, it was an entirely new process for me. I had to accept that I did not know what to do and needed guidance.  Initially I did so begrudgingly because I felt I had no choice, which I now recognize as the first step in what has been a gradual process of insight, acceptance, and surrender. 

 

Miles warned me in the beginning that he might piss me off from time to time and that occasionally I would see him as more of an adversary than a helper. Also, he informed me that his role didn’t include being a “Cliff apologist” as it was essential that he be honest with me (and everyone else) about how he felt the process was going. 

 

Having no prior relationship with Miles, there was no reason for him to defer to me in order to avoid making me angry or offending me. This has been an entirely new type of relationship for me and has been both challenging and highly rewarding. During the time between the release of my first blog (which accompanied the RJ report at the end of August, 2023) and the release of my most recent blog (January 2, 2024), Miles has repeatedly directed me to wait to communicate, generally taking the approach of gearing each public step as if I were speaking primarily to those harmed by my actions and/or those most vehemently against me even returning to community, much less ever teaching or leading in the future.  He has consistently redirected me when I have expressed my strong desire to keep informed those who are eager to hear from me who are supporters or “on the fence". We’ve had frequent disagreements about the possibility that continued silence might be doing further harm. 

 

Miles’ early projection that I would see him as an adversary has proven to be mostly hyperbolic. While we have had disagreements about whether or not I was in full acceptance and whether or not it was time to speak, Miles’ continued redirection to compassion for survivors, his coaching on written and verbal communications, and his encouragement that I  lean into curiosity have been instrumental to me being where I am. 

 

While I’m certain we will continue to have disagreements from time to time, the persistent redirection to be cautious and mindful about how my words may land combined with frequent reminders to dig deeper into how I’ve harmed others have transformed the way I think about what has happened.  That will inevitably impact how I relate to any who choose to connect with me going forward.

 

Probably the area of our strongest disagreement is Miles’ continued insistence and encouragement that despite neurodiversity-related challenges with my communication style, I can learn to be more sensitive to subtext and communicate in a less direct and potentially abrasive way. I continue to be unsure that I’ll accomplish this to Miles’ expectations, and thus my new communication patterns may appear stilted and not sound like me. Surprisingly, I’ve been given feedback from Charity and other partners that some of the changes are now flowing from me naturally in ways that I didn’t even notice.

 

Miles sent the following message and encouraged me to share it with what I wrote above as an introduction:

 

Blog Delays I Urged as Coach

Cliff -

After my delaying you for some months further since your August 30 publishing of your Accountability Process Blog #1 but with you now, again, starting your long anticipated sharing of your experience through this blog vehicle, I expect you feel a mix of relief, satisfaction, and some great joy at sharing your experiences. 

 

I appreciate and support you conveying that being held back until now from publishing more deep reflections in blog posts was particularly frustrating for you, felt risky in how this meant those interested in hearing from you were left with unmet need for your updates potentially with damning and judgmental conclusions about your return to silence until now, and was, yet, another step into surrender and acceptance as you abided by my guidance as your accountability coach. You surrendered to and accepted that choice for reasons that were not very clear to you or convincing then that more inquiry, reflection, and exploration in private was necessary before it was time to go on to be so public via your new blog.

You were forthright with me that more delay before you continued your public sharing went against your instincts and was in opposition to your informed appraisal that more delays could cause additional harms to survivors and would cause harm, especially, to the former EP membership and others interested who were confused by or disparaging of you for not yet saying more publicly. You expressed to me your conviction that more deferring of your blogging would substantially amplify judgment and doubt about your commitment to your transformation and your taking responsibility.

I note here how your change in perspective and self-appraisal style compared to the start of your upheaval back in late January is evident in the way that you trusted my guidance to defer more blog posts for several additional months. You received my direction and accepted that I determined from our ongoing dialogue that you and I still needed to address certain aspects of your mindset in follow up to the harms you caused and your problematic communications and sex pos events leadership attitudes and behaviors, all that you readily acknowledge. 

And, still, against those concerns and facing those potential outcomes, you, once more, moved into acceptance of actions required of you even as unfortunate consequences seemed inevitable to you. You heard my analysis of the trade-offs – that the negatives from your further silence were more acceptable risks than those from any premature public stance from you which I projected could both derail your process and cause more harm.

Though you disagreed, you embraced this work I mapped out, this next phase of reflection, inquiry, and even more embrace of curiosity, and you took this on with thorough commitment. And you accepted my view that any public explanation of this additional delay likely would cause more confusion and judgment and, most worrisome to me, would distract you from the progress needed. The anticipated goal was for you to become even more ready for such public discourse while safe for survivors, safe for community, and safe for yourself. 

My point is that your acceptance of more blogging delay and the associated continuation of your absence from the public eye is evident of a surrender perspective quite contrary to how you presented yourself prior to January 2023. Your pronounced surrender perspective shift began early in our work together (which we formally started in late March 2023), but I recognize your approach now is an expanded evolution from the ways you engaged with the challenges you faced from your history until some additional significant shifts first evident around August. 

I hope harsh critique of you for these additional months since August before more of your revealing blogs published does not manifest or is short-lived. And I invite you to quote from this email or include it in total in your blog so readers might understand your choices or direct their upset and blame toward me.

- Miles Hurwitz