Blog #3 - Updates and Reflections on My Accountability Process

 I’ve spent quite a bit of time in the past four months absorbing the information revealed by the Restorative Justice (RJ) report, which was delivered on September 1.  I am both surprised and saddened by the weight of the emotional pain expressed and by the nature and breadth of the complaints.  

While I had previously come to a place of acceptance of the accountability process and the harms I have done, my certainty has deepened that those who called for an accountability process back in February were right to do so.  I’m sure I still have more to learn, and I’m deeply grateful and moved by what has transpired so far for me.  This includes learning about power dynamics and my privilege, both of which had previously been totally opaque to me.

I was silent between the upset my intemperate emails to Jessica and Susan caused immediately after the March 10 ZEGG Forum and my first blog post on August 30.  This lengthy silence was (wisely) recommended by Miles Hurwitz, my Accountability Coach, so I could fully engage in my accountability process. In addition to learning new communication skills, the process has included sharing much more about my inner experience and shifting to listening more than speaking. This style is a radical change for me, as I often have been blunt and abrasive and have tended to be quite private about my inner landscape. The new skills, I believe, will result in my communications sounding very different from the way I used to. 

I have again been silent since August 30 - four months ago. My continued silence may have left some feeling that I’ve dismissed the accountability process entirely. The continued silence has again been at the advice and direction of my Accountability Coach who has wanted to ensure that my prior harmful communication patterns have changed enough so that they have less likelihood of causing further harm. Nonetheless, I apologize for any harm my continued silence has caused.

Waiting this long has been quite frustrating for me at times, although I’ve learned that frustration in this process is an indicator that I need to be curious and dig deeper into the ways I have caused harm and fostered a community containing mistrust. I accepted that communication mishaps have the potential of causing more harm than silence, especially for the survivors of harms I have caused. 

In the interim, I have been working on continuing to modify my communication patterns so that they match what I think and feel without being overly blunt. This has occurred through direct 1:1 coaching, education on Emotional Intelligence, and writing the blog posts that will be released over the next days and weeks. I’m certain that I’ll continue to make communication errors, as most humans do, although I am committed to reducing harm, even if my new communication style results in some believing these words are not my own. 

My sincere hope is that when any of you begin to interact with me (as you feel safe to do so), it will become clear that I have begun to understand the nature of my harms and am attempting to mitigate those.

I fully recognize that some reading my blog will be tempted to dismiss whatever I have to say as gas-lighting, outright lies, or a nefarious attempt to justify my behavior as one of the leaders of SexPositive Portland (SPP) and the co-owner of Empowered Pleasure (EP).  I accept the inevitability of some having that response and recognize that I am, in fact, responsible for any reader dismissing my reflections or the possibility of me changing.

In addition to communication coaching, It has taken several months for my coach and I to decide the best timing, topics, and order with continuing my blog. Some reflections on my challenges and choices:

• Initially, I pushed for this process to go quickly to published statements and responses without nearly as much reflection as has occurred. My early efforts to communicate primarily caused more conflict and harm because I was not yet ready.  I came to see the need to move much more slowly and receive a lot of guidance along the way, based on the reality that the way I have communicated in the past, both in speech and in writing, has done harm.

• My accountability process requires me to focus on the harms I’ve unquestionably done rather than oversharing about my internal process, as that risks coming off as indulgent and self-obsessed. Many have complained to me both prior to and in the RJ report that I talk too much about myself. 

• On the other hand, in the RJ report several people say they want me to share my internal process. It’s been a tricky balance to blog about my process without overly referencing myself. 

• Therefore, I accept the possible criticism that I am talking too much about myself even as I attempt to meet the needs of RJ report respondents who would like to hear about my process.

• I understand it’s vital that I remain focused on what people who were harmed have said they want to know.

I fear that regardless of what I say or how I say it, I will not fully and accurately communicate what I am feeling or the changes that have taken place in me so far. I have received some critiques from my first blog that “the words didn’t seem to come from [Cliff’s] heart,”  and I’ve also heard encouragement that this will come in time.  So, as we move forward in this, I will attempt to communicate in this new way and am in a place of great curiosity as to how my words will be received.  I’d very much appreciate your feedback!

The RJ report indicates that different survivors and community members desire to hear different things from me, thus the blog posts to follow will be topic-oriented so those who wish to read/learn about a certain topic can read them, and those who do not wish to know about the topic can skip it. Each blog post will begin with a short summary (marked “TL;DR”) and include Content Warnings (marked “CW”) so readers can decide if they wish to read further.

Comments and dialogue, positive or negative, are invited and essential to my accountability process. If you wish to hear about a particular topic, please inform my coach Miles at mhmanage@gmail.com.