Blog #1 - Ending My Silence

Hello to the extended community of the prior Empowered Pleasure Meetup and any other parties interested in my comments on the ongoing Restorative Justice (RJ) and Accountability Process (AP) resulting from the harms for which I am responsible. As I write this, it appears from Jessica’s blog that the RJ report is close to being published. I’ve been waiting for that to be imminent before posting this, so it’s now time for me to reach out. As is part of the RJ process, I have read the RJ report in advance.

 

I (and Charity) haven’t posted publicly for many months for a number of reasons, including waiting for the RJ report. Moreover, I learned it was critical for me to embrace a different style of communication so that I could potentially avoid causing further harm through my often blunt and insensitive phrasing.

 

Everyone involved in or affected by the RJ process including Jessica, consultant Marita, report respondents, our accountability coach Miles Hurwitz, and members of the prior Empowered Pleasure Meetup and other interested parties have been eager for the results. Nobody wanted it to be delayed this long, and Jessica has given regular updates on the reasons for the delays.

 

In this first post, I won’t be directly discussing the harms I’ve done. That is to come. This post is to acknowledge that the report is being issued to the community and to break my long silence. There is also much that Charity will communicate about in the future, but it’s appropriate that I write this first post.

 

My understanding is that the RJ process has opened the opportunity for those harmed and for me, the person who has done harm, to interact and communicate in a space that’s safe for those harmed. The RJ process has been valuable for me to accept responsibility for those harms, to better understand the experiences of those I harmed, and to me being able to participate in possible actions of restoration and healing if invited. Any actions requested of me for restoration are completely the choice of those who have self-identified as harmed. In order to honor the confidentiality and privacy inherent in the RJ process I will only respond to those who request interaction.

 

At this point the only person who has sought that interaction is Christmas. She made the request to Jessica who then communicated it to me through my accountability coach. She’s asked for a mediated personal apology to her in writing and an apology to her made available to the broader community. That will be forthcoming but not as part of this post.

 

I suspect that the RJ process has revealed only a subset of possible harms for which I am responsible. It seems likely that at least some of those harmed didn’t submit a story form as they might have been concerned about possible backlash or retribution from either me or the broader community or simply didn’t want to invest the necessary emotional labor. There is almost certainly a broader list of harms still to be revealed by my AP (which is different than the RJ process). In addition, there are undoubtedly people I have harmed who have not yet realized it.

 

I am surprised that only one request for RJ interaction has arisen so far. I had thought there might be a process to re-open the RJ report form to invite more submissions and possible requests. Instead, this opportunity for further reporting will be part of my AP that follows. I anticipate this will help further the goal of healing, for those harmed, for the broader community, and for myself.

 

Those in the community reading the RJ survey summary and quotes may want to hear me make comments of accountability and apology. That is not part of the RJ process as I understand it, as that exchange is only between those harmed and me. However, my personal AP is ongoing. This profound journey which I began in late January has included hundreds of hours of reflection, transformation, education, reorientation, processing, and deprogramming while considering factors of oppression and societal structures. This sharing of my journey will be the vehicle for me to offer statements of responsibility, accountability, apologies, and action steps that the community may want to hear. Those statements will come but are not yet ready for public airing.

 

I’m not speaking to specifics here, but I do acknowledge that I am responsible and accountable for the range of harms I’ve done. I am deeply sorry for the harms I have committed – harms to individuals, harms to the former EP group as a whole, and harms to the broader sex-positive community. I am deeply sorry for harms caused by the spreading ripples of my unthinking actions and statements, both ones I am now aware of and those I have yet to comprehend.

 

To date, my AP has particularly focused on my personal weaknesses, privilege, and inappropriate use of power. I will write about the function and structure of this process, the forming of the accountability team, and what I will be doing moving forward. I have not yet included interacting with those I’ve harmed. That will follow in the near future.

 

I am deep in this process with my coach, Miles Hurwitz, and I understand and agree with his appraisal that I have further to go before speaking at length about harms. Right now there is still too much risk that I might do further harm while I continue in this reflection and transformation process and learn to communicate better. Charity and I have been silent all these months because it was clear to Miles, and is now clear to me, that there was too much risk of me causing further harm.

 

I acknowledge that the trade-off of me staying silent to reduce further harm has been painful and frustrating to many, and I’m sorry for this. I have much more to say about this that will follow in the near future. I am going to continue in this process even though it is slower and more drawn out than many believe is needed, as I understand now that the process cannot be rushed.

 

I clearly have many critics and detractors. I am examining the ways in which I am responsible for creating an environment that brought this about. I know that almost anything I write now will be attacked and dismissed by some of them. I accept that, and I choose to examine whatever truth that criticism holds or points to. I expect that this communication will invite criticism and attack because I did not communicate earlier, which I also accept. I know that any projection I make about the desired outcome of my accountability process, as well as any of my posts to come, likely will be criticized and attacked. 

 

In the weeks and months to come, I will post about what I have discovered so far and what has surprised me. I will write not only about the harms I’ve done but also about the process of uncovering those harms. I will write about my curiosity about who I am, what I’ve done, and my risks of doing harm in the future. I will write about the difficult decisions made in this process such as being silent versus communicating before I was ready. I will write about my internal dialogue and the non-linear process of coming to grips with being identified as a doer of harm. I will write about my goals for accountability and hopes for rehabilitation and why I have repeatedly chosen to fully engage and resisted (and continue to resist) any urge to say, “Fuck it!” and walk away. I am certain I will continue to realize more on all these topics in a deeper way as time goes by, and I intend to share these thoughts for those who are interested.

 

I also will discuss how I navigate my sense of self as someone who has done good and has provided many positive impacts even while also doing harm. This is a complex and confusing internal conversation. I know discussing publicly anything positive I have done will be criticized and attacked by my detractors. I accept that. 

 

When I am attacked, I am choosing to move into a place of curiosity. Maybe my detractors are right? Maybe they’re overstating? I try to remain curious. It’s not easy.

 

My journey has progressively embraced that I am responsible for harms from any of my actions, my words, and my failure to educate myself properly. I’ve struggled to balance the recognition of harms I have done while also accepting that those do not make me a bad person. I realize that some reading this may believe I actually am a bad person and will never change. I accept that, although it saddens me.

 

I accept there is a good chance my wording and phrasing in this post will draw more criticism and attack. This post may not convey what I intend to say in a way that can be heard by all. I know I have detractors who have stated they don’t believe I can engage in this process with open heart, open mind, and true acceptance. I can understand why they may feel that, or at least I am beginning to. I believe I’m in a place where I am communicating quite differently than I did at the beginning of this process, but the readers of this post who know my past communication style will decide.

 

Anyone who has read my writing, emails, or Facebook posts over the years will note that this post is a substantially different writing style. This is longer and more redundant than anything I can recall ever writing before. I recognize that my brevity often has not served me well in communicating my intent.

 

I have been advised to defer reading any comments on the RJ report or my blog as these might be overly negative or positive, as either could potentially derail me from this process. Therefore, members of my AP team or others will summarize and filter any comments for me. The goal is for me to remain engaged in my accountability process without distraction. As a result, I may not respond to any comments or criticisms in a timely manner, if at all.

 

Many of you may not know Miles Hurwitz, my accountability coach, who was active in EP for only four months before the current hiatus. He has experience in coaching cis-male, heterosexual consent violators and those who have abused their power in sex-positive communities including workshops, camps, and other gatherings. We’ve been meeting 1-3 times per week for the last 5 months, 1-2 hours per session. His sessions supported and substantially expanded upon the profound 70-hour Trauma Training for Tantra Professionals course I attended back in February-April (which I will write more about).

 

Sessions with Miles have focused on:

 

1.     reducing defensiveness

2.     understanding the responsibilities and restrictions that come from the unstated social contract I entered into with all of you by being a leader of Empowered Pleasure

3.     expanding my understanding of harms and what led to them

4.     deepening understanding of oppression dynamics

5.     discussing microaggressions

6.     considering the impact of my non-normative brain wiring while resisting any temptation to use this as an excuse

7.     understanding why some have come to such an intensely negative opinion of me (with the assumption that they have reasons for their feelings)

8.     writing assignments (drafts of this blog, apologies, goals, and more)

9.     role-playing

 

Miles was recommended to me by others in the EP community. In his coaching, Miles has balanced unrelenting pressure to explore harms with increasing depth and breadth alongside offering reminders of the possibility for healing in times when Charity and I have been near despair. It has been similar to a combined Socratic method and 12-step process. Charity has been present at all the sessions.

 

Miles is being compensated, but at an enormously reduced rate, and I will comment more on this later.  I’ll also be forthcoming about EP finances and my own financial status.

 

Looking back to my fateful January 21 clueless comment that started this process rolling, I have been alternately (and sometimes simultaneously) startled, amazed, frustrated, perplexed, deeply saddened, and exhilarated. I’m sure I’ve challenged my coach’s (and Charity’s) patience on more than a few occasions, and I very much appreciate how Miles has skillfully steered me to some profound realizations while helping me navigate around some potentially significant obstacles.

 

Many aspects of this journey have led me to dramatically different places than I anticipated in the beginning. There have been surprising transformations for me alongside the negative outcomes for the prior EP community. I can’t predict where this will end up, and I look forward to further discovery. I’m approaching it all with curiosity and optimism. Ultimately my goal is healing in the broadest sense of the word.