Blog #13 - Statement of Apology & Accountability

 Content/Trigger Warning

This document details an accountability process and includes experiences of harm, including sexual harm.

History of our Accountability Process

In January 2023, we (Cliff and Charity) were invited into a Restorative Justice and Accountability process by Melanie Moseley.  Very sincere thanks to Mel for pushing us into this – it’s made a huge difference in our lives in many ways, and we wouldn’t have done it without her insistence.

In March 2023, an anonymous survey form was provided to members of the Portland, OR sex-positive community by Marita DeLeon, Restorative Justice Practitioner & Equity Informed Mediator to report harms done primarily by Cliff and secondarily by Charity. Jessica Morgenthaler, a community member, teamed with one survivor to interview prospective Restorative Justice facilitators and hired Marita shortly after we were invited to initiate this process. Jessica and the survivor wished to ensure that the provider selected would meet the needs of survivors and not be unduly influenced by us. 

To reduce possible conflicts of interests, Jessica set up a GoFundMe account so that Marita’s payment was a community funded effort. The significant contributions made by Cliff and Charity to this fund were anonymous to reduce the possible bias that can occur when sources of funding are known. 

The results of this survey revealed the abuses of power by both of us in running our company Empowered Pleasure (EP) from January 2020 through January 2023 and in facilitating many sacred sexuality events for SexPositive Portland (SPP) from November 2015 through December 2019. This statement outlines our actions and failures to act that resulted in harm to people in our community.

 

Note: To read the reports of harm in the words of survivors and respondents, see the Restorative Justice report written by Marita. Jessica’s processes are outlined in her blog.  We are grateful for their countless hours of both emotional labor, and logistical labor (interviewing people and writing the report) much of which was undoubtedly thankless.

Actions that harmed others

In the past year and a half, we have become aware of several actions we took as well as inactions we chose to make which resulted in harm experienced by others in our community. We’d like to begin by owning the actions and impacts of what we’re aware of so far, knowing that more actions/inactions we took/didn’t take that resulted in harm may surface as we continue to do this deep community healing work.

• We were both woefully unaware of the power and privilege that being relatively well-off, white, cis, and well-educated brings to all our relationships and interactions. We acted without being aware of the potential detrimental side effects that occurred when that power impacted some of our students.

• We sexually engaged with students both at events (if the other was facilitating) and outside of them, thinking that their clearly communicated “yes” was sufficient consent. See https://cliffnotes108.blogspot.com/2024/01/blog-6-evolving-perspective-on-consent.html for further details.

• In early 2018 I (Cliff) gave a student a sacred spot massage after which I offered the participant oral sex.  This offer was inappropriate as she was in an altered state due to the energy and power exchange of the sacred spot massage, and I should not have asked for consent for any sensual or sexual interaction.

• I (Cliff) used my training in meditation and Tantra to support my own agenda.

• I (Charity) used my professional training in trauma, neurobiology, and attachment theory to support my own agenda, often cherry-picking evidence to support my agenda without acknowledging the limitations of my knowledge and experience.

• I (Cliff) was unaware that I was autistic and thus prone to speech and social behaviors that many neurotypical people find jarring, blunt, or rude.  See https://cliffnotes108.blogspot.com/2024/02/blog-7-austistic-or-narcissist.html for further details.

• I (Charity) came to some events altered on MDMA, which reduced my capacity to be present for participants, while hypocritically confronting any members if they came to events clearly altered.

• I (Charity) regularly defended Cliff when others expressed concerns to me about his communication patterns and dating habits.

• We both were defensive and dismissive of feedback at times when fellow sex-positive leaders and participants communicated their concerns to us.

• We displayed an arrogant attitude and demonstrated both subtle and overt contempt for some other sex-positive leaders and organizations.

• We failed to provide safe and easily accessible avenues for complaints, concerns, and member conflicts between participants, and failed to provide a safe avenue to voice complaints about either of us as leaders of Empowered Pleasure.

• We did not give proper credit to Gabriella Cordova, the founder of Sex Positive World (SPW) and Sex Positive Portland (SPP) whose structures and ideas inspired the development of the leveling system at Empowered Pleasure.

• We failed to act in our role of protector of our community spaces, both on social media and in person, when we became aware that some supporters were challenging, harassing, disbelieving, and minimizing the experiences of survivors and their allies.

• Our abrupt discontinuation of EP events from February 2023 to July 2024 resulted in loss of community, disillusionment, and abandonment, especially for those who were regular attendees.

• Our decision to remain silent for the first 11 months of the accountability process resulted in many believing that we were not engaged in it at all. This led to some community members feeling disappointment, frustration, and further feelings of abandonment.

 

Impacts

• Engaging sexually with students, clients, and community members resulted in pain, uncertainty, confusion, and violation for some and also created strife in the community.

• My (Cliff) offering oral sex to a client after a sacred spot massage during a time when she was in an altered state caused significant discomfort, as the survivor described in her story in the RJ report. Additionally, she experienced severe strain when she correctly realized the importance of reporting the incident in order to protect others who were vulnerable. After publicly reporting her experience, she was harassed and disbelieved by some members of the community which reinforced age-old patterns of silencing and blaming those who speak out against abuses of power.

• Dating participants outside of events, even after a waiting period, created an “inner circle.” Those who were our partners or lovers were correctly perceived as receiving preferential treatment and attention from us. This resulted in whispers among the community that “the best way to be ‘Leveled Up’ or be invited to one of our private weekend retreats is to have sex with one of the leaders.” This resulted in the potential for confusion, unfairness, competition, and tainted participant trust. It also may have led some participants to engage with either of us sexually when they otherwise would not have desired it.  See https://cliffnotes108.blogspot.com/2024/02/blog-8-organizational-failures-at.html for further details.

• Our failures as leaders impacted participants’ safety at events. Because we promoted ourselves as experts and many looked up to us as role models, some participants may have pushed themselves outside of their window of tolerance - the zone where a person is most regulated, feels a sense of safety, and is able to function, communicate, and connect most effectively.

• Our failure to provide a clear avenue to express complaints and concerns while claiming safe containers at our events resulted in ongoing strain, trauma, and uncertainty. There was nowhere for anyone to go, and the resultant social media storm in January and February 2023 was caused by our failure to provide a clear and well-organized path to express concerns. This left participants with the accurate perception that there was no comfortable way to address misuse of power. In this way, age-old oppression dynamics played out in our organization, leaving certain participants who attempted to express their concerns demoralized and disillusioned. 

• Our hypocrisy in criticizing other organizations for allowing teacher/student sensual and/or sexual engagement while engaging in this behavior ourselves resulted in loss of trust, disillusionment, and general confusion about what was reasonable to expect from sex-positive leaders, which is often exacerbated and extra-sensitive due to people’s previous trauma with leaders misusing their power.

• My (Cliff) blunt, insensitive, and declarative style of communication resulted in significant strain and distress for many, especially those with whom I’ve shared leadership responsibilities in the past. My arrogant certainty that I know the best way to do many things added to this strain, resulting in community strife and division.

• My (Charity) promotion of Cliff’s skills as a lover may have resulted in some participants seeking out or accepting invitations to sexually engage with him, when they may not have considered it otherwise.

• My (Cliff) discussion of my personal journal during events and in private conversations (which I foolishly referred to as a “spreadsheet” due to my literal communication style) resulted in significant pain, hurt, and a sense of violation for some former lovers and potentially shocked community members. Because of the association of “spreadsheet” with “numbers”, this understandably left some with the perception that I was dehumanizing those with whom I shared sexual connections. Some former lovers had a sense that their autonomy had been taken away by my public discussion of this journal. While I have never shared anything of my journal with anyone, my speaking about it at all potentially harmed many.

• It feels important for me to clarify a major factual inaccuracy in the RJ report which included the incorrect statement that I had sex with 400+ different women who were members of EP and/or SPP. The truth is that I have had sex with 36 different women in the Portland sacred sexual community over the past 9 years (and that number includes my current multi-person polycule). 

• I have no idea where the 400+ came from, and I imagine that number might have left former lovers and those who care about them feeling objectified and/or used. I also imagine this number left readers with the skewed perspective that I host events primarily to have sex with as many women as possible. 

• Please also note that I define sex to include oral and digital engagement, and 3 of the 36 referenced above didn’t include PIV sex.

Apologies

We apologize to all of those directly and indirectly impacted by our misuse and abuse of power and by our blindness to the power and privileges we carry as white, able-bodied, cisgender people with economic and educational advantages. We apologize both to all who know they were harmed and to those who might not yet be aware that they were harmed. The various ways we misused our power harmed both individuals who were EP members as well as the broader sex-positive community in Portland.

 

We apologize for our failure to consistently provide the safe container we promised to members and participants. We also apologize for the costly emotional labor and the loss of community which resulted for many.

 

We are sorry for our haughty and superior attitude that included ignoring concerns and complaints, criticizing others, and offering unsolicited advice.

 

We apologize for being less-than-ideal role models as a couple holding roles of power, as sex-positive leaders, as Tantra teachers, and as sex educators.

 

We apologize for harm done by any of our supporters who confronted or cast doubt on survivors, and for those who minimized the significance or impact of our actions or failure to act (especially when one of us minimized the impact of the other’s actions or failure to act).  See https://cliffnotes108.blogspot.com/2024/04/blog-9-addendum-to-blog-8.html for further details.

 

We deeply hope that anyone witnessing this process who has done harm or may do harm will learn from our mistakes and change course. To anyone witnessing this process who realizes that they may have also done harm, we urge you to apologize and to make amends - essentially, to be accountable.

 

Accountability steps

Over the past year and a half, we have taken our accountability process seriously. We took it upon ourselves to create structures to encourage deep inner reflection, shadow work, and accountability to ourselves, to each other, to our EP members, and to our wider sacred sexuality community. 

Below is a list of some of the significant accountability steps we have taken. This list is by no means conclusive, as we consider our accountability work to be our new normal - in other words, through this experience we’ve learned that responsible leadership necessarily involves transparency around accountability work and we intend to continue to be available for and involved in conscious accountability work for life.

• We discontinued all teaching activities from January 21, 2023, until July 27, 2024, initially at the direct request of one survivor. This allowed us to focus fully on the accountability process and to mitigate any further harm.

• We also discontinued involvement as participants in the local sex-positive community for the same period of time for the same reasons.

• We participated in over 200 hours of coaching sessions with Miles Hurwitz, focusing on themes such as better understanding power dynamics, the effect privilege can have, and the much broader responsibilities inherent in being a facilitator/teacher.

• I (Cliff) attended the 70+-hour Trauma Training for Tantra Professionals online course offered by Live Tantra (www.livetantra.com), and as a result, we are incorporating more trauma-informed practices into our workshop curriculums. 

• I (Cliff) had an autism assessment and two follow-up appointments with Dr. Cynthia Arnold, a psychotherapist and recognized expert on autism. Working with her is giving me tools for how to communicate with less abrasiveness and how to better understand the impact my words have on people.

• I (Cliff) have read extensively about autism, the impact my neurodiversity can have on others, and how to ameliorate that impact by pre-disclosing and being more aware of the impact of my communication differences on listeners, especially those in vulnerable roles as students and/or course participants learning about intimacy and sexuality.

• I (Cliff) took the EQ 101 - Master Emotional Intelligence course from Paul Micallef, Founder of Autism From the Inside https://autismexplained.kartra.com/page/EQ101#_ttk1xoynm.

• I (Cliff) commit to taking additional sensitivity and diversity training to become more aware of how my word choice and/or non-verbal communication can cause alienation to certain marginalized groups and then how to create more inclusive environments. 

• I (Charity) participated in Living Tantra Training run by Jan Day, an 18-month program including in-depth study of tantra, shadow work, study and application of the drama triangle in everyday life, and parts work alongside with learning about the origins and practice of tantra and neo-tantra. This training included 4 7-day workshops and 6 4-day seminars in person and continued check-ins with peers throughout the duration of the program.

• I (Cliff) participated in Living Tantra 2 and Living Tantra 3 run by Jan Day, two 7-day workshops that included exploration of boundaries, consent, sexuality and intimacy shadows, and parts work by Hal and Sidra Stone.

• We had three repair conversations with individuals, using a neutral third-party as a facilitator to clear challenging interactions that these individuals brought to our attention. We remain open to having professionally facilitated clearing conversations with anyone else who is holding onto something in the space and would like to consciously clear it with us. Further repair conversations are available to whomever desires them.

• We reviewed the accountability processes of Reid Mihalko, Charlie Glickman, Andrew Barnes, and ISTA, to learn from their processes and to structure our accountability process using the best practices we could find.

• We had a one time consultation with Mischa Byruck, professional men’s accountability coach, and have had multiple consultations with other Tantra teachers regarding accountability processes, seeking mentorship and guidance.

• We will disclose our Accountability Process to facilitators of any events we attend as well as to participants at any events we lead. We will include links to information about our Accountability Process on our website and any advertisements for future offerings.

• We participated in Awaken as Love: Stage 1 from March 19-24, 2024.

• In April 2024 we hired Kamela Love from Transform Into Love to review all of our course materials and be an external reporting mechanism for complaints and concerns in future teaching ventures.

• We participated in the Awaken as Love: Facilitator Training from June 10-20, 2024. This course provided opportunities to teach and facilitate materials from Awaken as Love and receive feedback from peer facilitators and four highly experienced tantra and shamanic facilitators, including four master classes from four additional trauma informed teachers of tantra, shamanism, and sacred sexuality.

• On July 10, 2024 we will be taking an online course offered by RUPI (Right Use of Power Institute) to uplevel our understanding of power dynamics and responsible use of power. See Description here: https://rightuseofpower.org/event/basics-training-july-10-2024-2/)

• We have done extensive reading on autism, social awareness, power differentials, sacred sexuality, and polyamory. Please see this non-exhaustive list for details: Partial Bibliography 

Prevention and ongoing accountability

Accountability is not contained in a single process, as it’s a lifelong journey to continue to remain open to, and grateful for, honest feedback and to commit to being available to engage in the work to repair any harm we’ve caused. In our ongoing commitment to live from the value of humble & honest accountability, there are several concrete and specific safeguards we are putting in place for mitigation of future harms.

 

• Supervisory Team: We are enlisting supervision from experienced Tantra teachers and sex educators this summer as we begin to offer pilot events (see more below) prior to returning to facilitating events open to the public. The world of Tantra and sex-positivity is currently in a conscious evolution to further reduce misuse of power, and we are selecting some supervisors that have been directly involved in accountability processes of other leaders. Our supervisory period will include:

• Review and critique of all of our event structures and materials to encourage an attuned container with many trauma-informed practices.  

• Offering pilot event structures with a small group of experienced participants who will provide enhanced feedback to our supervisors, who will then review it with us and discuss improvements we can make to our facilitation style and our event structures prior to us restarting our public offerings.

• Our supervisory team will work together to make a recommendation for our timeline for returning to resume teaching public events, doing their best to ensure that we are properly incorporating trauma informed practices and the insights we have gained through the inner work we have done during our accountability process. 

• External Accountability Reporting Mechanism:  There will be an option to report, anonymously or by name, any past or future concerns/harms to Kamela Love (she/they) from Transform into Love and formerly Safe Mediation. The link for reporting complaints/concerns will be available on our website, on any social media presentations, and will be included in all of our event postings in the future. Kamela is also a member of our supervisory team.

• 3rd-Party Mediation Service: Kamela Love is an experienced, trauma-informed professional mediator and former attorney, as well as a facilitator of tantric and shamanic events, who has been integral in the accountability process currently underway for three members of ISTA faculty. If anyone involved in our events seeks a facilitated repair process with either one or both of us, Kamela is on deck to act as a neutral third-party mediator, to help us come to a win-win resolution based on restorative justice and transformative justice practices. 

• Peer Support: We will be participating in the Awaken as Love facilitator training which provides a peer support group with other Tantra teachers. This is not directly connected to any local Portland community, allowing for more direct and unfettered feedback. We selected Awaken as Love as they embody our commitment to minimize potential sexual abuses of power by prohibiting faculty from engaging sexually with participants.

• Code of Conduct: The new EP Code of Conduct we are currently drafting includes this prohibition of engaging sensually or sexually with participants. We previously had a policy of a 6-month waiting period for engagement, but we now believe that this is insufficient in most cases, as a waiting period did not prevent harm for some.  We are choosing to align ourselves with best practices for creating trauma-informed environments for tender exploratory work like Tantra and our practices are certainly not intended to be seen as advice to nor judgment of any other sex-positive leaders.

• Updated EP website: Our website will be updated to include better informed consent, so that participants have more capacity to be in full choice regarding their engagement in event offerings.  This will include clarity about both the potential benefits and risks of participation in sacred sexuality events. It will include discussion about possible contraindications for participation so participants can consider their trauma history and window of tolerance before attending an event to increase the likelihood that the event is a good fit for them currently.

• Personal development: We will be continuing our journey of spiritual development and shadow work through workshops, mentorship, and personal study.  In particular, we’ll be focusing on continuing education in trauma-informed Tantra practice, shadow work facilitation, and continued exploration of Cliff’s autism and better understanding of how those social differences impact others.

• Continuing Education: We will participate in ongoing continuing education opportunities to enhance our skills as facilitators. This will include the Awaken as Love Facilitator Training, as well as serving as Assistants at upcoming Awaken as Love Festivals and Trainings to observe seasoned facilitators while remaining in a support role, increasing our experience serving in a team setting.

 

Gratitude

We are deeply grateful to those who initiated and invited this accountability process - your voices have been instrumental in creating positive change. We are humbly aware that the needed changes within ourselves, Empowered Pleasure, and our core relationships would not have happened without you speaking up, and we are immensely grateful all of this has unfolded the way it has so we could do the inner examination work we needed, make amends where we have caused harm, and emerge into a more mature version of ourselves.

 

Our other partners have been invaluable, consistent, loving supporters and challengers, even though remaining in connection with us cost them other relationships and respect from others in the community. They have collectively taught us what love really means and we are deeply grateful.

 

Finally, we are grateful to Miles Hurwitz who gently, lovingly, and persistently has shown up for us. He has put in countless hours and remained present with us through an enormously wide range of emotions and experiences, while remaining primarily focused on the needs of survivors. He has put in many hours of labor, has been instrumental in our journey, and we are deeply appreciative.